i'm back

It's been a while since my last post. I've been so busy again. As usual, a lot of things happened.
I'm not in the mood to contemplate these days. I just let the days pass. I think I'm being just spontaneous to make things less complicated.

Anyway, I can't still forget my weekend with my friends two weeks ago. We celebrated Merk's bday in my favorite city here in the Philippines. Baguio City! I've always been fascinated by its beauty and culture.
Let me share some of the photos my friends and I took.

the bday boy(?) and the sansrival cake


come OUT ;)

college friends

so glad to have free lunch

:)

chaperone si nanay

wish list

Before writing down my previous post I told myself I was going to have my wish list for Christmas to brighten up my mood. I just felt like there was still something stuck on my chest after letting it out in a creepy comfort room here in cai sta office. Actually, I still feel so heavy while listening to mushy songs, spend my life with you and for you. Talking about indulging my sadness huh?

Before I get too emotional again, I'd better have my list already. Who knows, a person with a good heart there would love to share his/her blessings :)

Actually when I was thinking of my list, I was telling myself that the things I like are things I can actually afford myself or more than wants than needs. But, what the heck! It's for fun anyway.

1. A basket of goodies to complete my dream of a lazy sunday afternoon. (reese's peanut butter cups, pistachio nuts, half dozen of krispy creme's original glaze, 6 packs of soda in can, nestle's butter finger, lay's sour n cream flavor) this is heavenly good I swear!

2. DVD copy of my fave tv series: veronica mars seasons 1-3, Prison Break seasons 3-4, Desperate Housewives season 3-5, Joey seaoson 1-2, Gossip Girl season 2, Sex and the city seasons 1-6

3. A brand new car! hahaha

4. A gift certificate for my shopping spree! I think 20, 000 pesos will do, I don't need LV or Channel to look classy and chic. For 20, 000 pesos I can already fill my closet with new cool clothes, shoes, bags, and some accessories to match with

5. spa..(sauna, jacuzzi, balinese massage, hot tea, facial, body scrub) .heavenly good, just the thought of it feels relaxing

6. Trip to Boracay..such a loser.

7. Someone who can pimp my new apartment. I mean I need a nice bed, mat, japanese style center table, bean bags and some art decors. I mean I need the cheaper ones

8. A really nice job for my brother who has much intelligence and talents

9. more quality time with friends and family

10. a quiet christmas eve with my husband..minus the.......


and... God's forgiveness for all my sins, his continous blessings for me and my family.

harsh harsh

It's nearly Christmas. Gosh, time really flies. After Christmas, time to prepare for the new year. The new year is coming. I'm still stuck in this lonely place I created myself. Sure, there are lot a lof things to be thankful for and an endless list of things to be happy; but there are still so many reasons to feel this way. I haven't been so happy as I used to be for many days.

Feeling so alone is one thing that I've been feeling for the past few days. I feel so alone, though I have my family and friends. After a few good laughs and a sensible conversation with my top friends, loneliness would still hit me. After spending a nice weekend with my family I would still feel so empty. A lot of things are missing. I know how I get so frustrated when things get on the way when I want something. When things I've been expecting don't transpire. It's so frustrating that "things" right now are just so shaky. I'm so tired of all of these things. I'm not supposed to feel this since it's not suppose to happen. Everything should have gone so smooth without issues, had people known their obligations and responsibilities. I'm tired of getting angry. I'm tired of feeling bitter. I'm tired of waiting for nothing. I just want to feel good, if not the happiness I desire. It's hard to be alone when you're supposed to be with someone. Maybe other people can live alone because it's just how they are supposed to live. It's hard for them, but it's even harder when you're not supposed to be alone to feel all the burden. Think how difficult it is to manage everything on your own. Nothing would really understand all these crap I'm saying. This is like a combination of different feelings you wouldn't want to feel.

I know how emotional I am, but I've been avoiding all these issues for quite a while. It's time to face these issues. I'm facing all these alone and I'm pretty sure I'll solve these alone. I don't need to be sorry for the things I've said and done because I don't have to. I have all the rights in the world to feel this way.

I need to put myself back together. I need to be strong for myself.

Finally, after months of waiting for a good whole body massage, I had it today. It is just so sad that I was alone again. My sister was supposed to accompany me but she fell asleep. I looked like a loser again. Shopping for groceries alone, strolling in a crowded mall alone, going to spa alone, eating in a crowded restaurant alone. Good thing, I'm used to eating alone and shopping alone.

My friend and I have been planning to go to a spa in Timog, but we always end up meeting at night so we always end up having dinner or coffee to relax. I couldn't wait anymore so I just decided to go to Megamall with my sister after my driving lesson, but as I've said my sister fell asleep. I have been experiencing a terrible migraine, back ache, and pain on my neck, hips, waist...or should I say body aches. I've been so busy so I couldn't find time to "detoxify," until last Monday. I thought I wil never experience hyperventilation. Last Monday, a terrible head ache hit me while I was proofreading some essays, then I just felt some difficulties breathing. It was my very first time to experience that. Of course everyone said that "stress" is the culprit. My muscles were so stiff. The masseur found big nodules on my back, shoulders, and even arms! No wonder I always have these body aches. I feel rejuvinated. Thanks to Balinese massage and 1 hr facial, I feel so good. Tomorrow is Monday, and I'm super ready to proofread 130 essays again, understand what those kids are trying to convey, and deal with our meticulous supervisors.

happy thoughts

I kinda feel lonely these days that's why today I decided to blog, and write about anthing, while I'm not doing anything here in WUIC office. This part time job is like the easiest job in the world! We don't have regular students yet, so sometimes we don't even have students and they are still paying us! Just like today, I need to work here for 5 hours but I'm not doing anything. I just need to look like I'm doing something important. God is so generous :)

Anyway, I wanna think happy thoughts. I heard from the radio this morning that 85 % of the things that we encounter everyday is negative. This explains why we are so tired after a hard day's work. I must think happy thoughts, but I don't think it's possible for a person like me.

Okay I'll just think of TOP things/persons/or whatever that make me really happy:

10. In the morning, seeing my face doesn't look tired eventhough I didn't have much sleep.

9. A very great tasting tea

8. Arrving early at work, meaning I can still have my daily dose of pancakes and coffee.. back to drinking coffe in the morning :(

7. food..food..and more food..sinigang, karekareng gulay, pasta,thai food, kimchi tuna, pistachio sansrival, etc.

6. pistachio sansrival from Coffe Bean

5. hugs and kisses from my "pamangkins"

4. being able to work

3. being healthy

2. family and friends

1. my hubby

..This is such a nice therapy! there are a lot of things that really make me happy. I should've put here more than a million things that make me happy. why am i feeling this anyway? Because, I miss most of the things on my TOP TEN list. I should still be thankful anyway..

Now, it's time for the TOP TEN things I wanna do if I have enough time:

10. Read a good book...a very inspiring one..

9. Have a movie marathon in my pajamas with a lot of popcorn, soda, krispy kreme doughnuts, mc flurry, hot and crispy chicken from kfc, soft pillows.. in short a very lazy day at home.

8. Teach kids in a Rehabilation Center for Kids

7. Go to a really nice beach.. one that is not crowded

6. Play with my "pamangkins"

5. Go to Batangas.. I miss "mother," I miss our home

4. Finish my practicum!

3. Study Clothing Technology, Basic Sewing, and Pattern Making

2. Go to the gym

1. Shop for fabric in Divisoria so I can start sewing my own clothes

...there a lot of things I wanna do. I'm discovering a new hobby too. Life is really short to focus on just one thing, but I need to prioritize things for the future. It'll be so selfish of me if I just do what I wanna do without considering people who matter to me. a super woman wanna be strikes again!

after four weeks

Thank God I have recovered from a really bad cold, terrible tonsilitis, depression (as always hehehe), and all that drama hehe. I feel so energetic again. I'm working 12 hours a day, and sleep for 6 rhs a day. Thanks to my daily dose of Vitamin C and E .

Four super busy weeks had passed. I've been really busy. I didn't even have enough time to blog. It feels like I have a lot of things to say. Since, I haven't really had a very long or should I say heartfelt conversation for weeks, and I haven't blog for a while, I feel like I need time to relax and just contemplate. Four weeks had just passed, and now I am thinking If I made the right decision.

I cannot honestly tell myself if I'm happy. Thankful I guess. Thankful for having to have these two things I prayed for. Thankful for passing a series of tests and interviews, and having an oppurtunity to work with some wonderful people. I'm so thankful that God gave me these opurtunities again. It's really true, when you ask God to give you something, you have to be prepared to have it. Otherwise, you will not be as thankful as you were supposed to be. You should ask yourself first if you can handle it. I know God has plans for me. He has plans for all of us. We just have to be patient. Now, that I am here I just need to learn to love my new world.

the celebrator

Just got home from another birthday celebration, a post birthday celebration that is. It was my celebration with my highschool friends with another birthday celebrator for this month of September. My birthday month is not yet over , feeling like a star lang to have more than one celebration hehe.

One decade of a wonderful friendship....can't believe we're still strong..we've been through a lot. I think most wonderful friendships were formed during highschool. Well for us, it started when were sophomores. Spice Girls was big that time. We all had this love for Spice Girls. Just imagine naming ourselves Scary Spice, Ginger Spice, Sporty Spice, Posh Spice or Baby Spice hehe..Singing Stop Right Now with all the dancing and flirty moves...staying up late just to watch their concerts on TV..most of us wanted to be Posh Spice because of her class and super hot David Beckham and Baby Spice because of her cuteness hehehe..then nobody wanted to be Scary Spice hehehe.but we were 8 that time so the others were just groupies hahaha... that was sooo highschool. I guess that's one of the reasons I love highschool TV drama. Everything is so high school hehehe.

We were not complete. Two were missing in action, my bestfriend Alerie (the sporty spice hehehe), Armie and Eulan (the posh spice heheh). I respect Armie's decision, especially now that she's 4 months pregnant. Well for Eulan, what the f**** happened girl? You and Daisy were just texting the other day and today there was no reponse at all? I just hope you're safe...ALerie..i super miss you. What are you up to? I miss your artworks and just being you..the "deviant you."

We had fun though. It was my birthday indeed as in super hehehe..3 of my favorite Pastas and 5 flavors of pizza..yum, yum. then tea and pistachio sansrival for dessert. Loveeeet! My favorite food! Food, laughter, reminiscing, endless conversation, what else can I ask for? Then there was a revelation. Whoa! Really? How come I can't still see the transformation? Anyway, we'd still understand if you'd want to go back to the "old you."

Too bad we had to go home early. It's Sunday evening of course. They went to my place first before going home so they would know where the hell I'm livin' now. We didn't realize that we are just a few minutes away or rather one jeepney ride away from one another. Too bad we don't see each other much..well except for Daisy who's always been a constant girlfriend to have dinner and coffee with.

Maybe it would take a while again to hang out with all of them. Two of my friends would be leaving soon. Now I'm beginning to hate NAIA. I hate seeing people saying goodbye. Sure i still have other good friends but they're all different from one another.

I'm gonna work on my birthday photos next time.. need to sleep early. Tomorrow will be a busy day. Got a lot of things to do. need to work it out..

rough road.detour.uturn.....yield

I've always been a fan of Youngblood. A friend even tried to write one about me. Whoa. Does my life have an interesting story to tell? When I was in high school I told myself that one day people would read one of my essays...how i wish i could make one interesting essay..

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What I read today was not something new, but I was still moved. Yes, I'm aware of what the contributor wrote, it's just that I can relate to it so much. Reading it felt like I have some allies or something. It's difficult to be in a situation where no one seems to understand what you've been thinking or what you really mean. I don't want to be emotional but I can't help it. So reading that made me feel like I'm not alone. Maybe the intensity just varies but other people of my age maybe also have the same dilemma.

I must say that I've been so blessed and compare to other people I can't ask for more. What I need to do is just enjoy what I have and improve whatever I have. Everything is on my hands if I want to succeed or not. Perhaps this is just a post birthday drama or something. As my friend always tells me, it's just a phase. If it's just a phase, oh my effin' god spare me from this "phase." Why do our childhood dreams always haunt us? It just makes me feel bad. Being the youngest, people were expecting that I'm like this or that. They're totally wrong. All of my childhood dreams are just dreams of an ambitious li'l girl now. I can only think of a few that have transpired, but I didn't get the real thing.

In college, I told myself that I'd pursue the road less traveled. I was full of idealisms. I was going to work for the people, not for capitalits. I was going to travel in different parts of the country, experience different culture, climb the mountains, immerse with different tribes, live with peasant communities, and serve the people. What happened to that person now? What happened to the person who used to be so agitated, that person who didn't care about having dark skin due to overexposure to the sun while marching on the streets or serving the people on the mountains, and that same person who didn't care about the food she ate so long as it was edible? Do I miss that person? Yes, I do sometimes. When I feel so empty I miss being that person. I feel like I'm so shallow now. I'm a different person now. I'm so different now from the people I used to work with during "those" days. Yes, I was so afraid that time not to join the rat race. I was afraid that I would end up missing a lot of things. I just miss that, but it doesn't mean that I wanna be there again. Had I stayed, would I be more content? Or would I be happier? it just sucks that I have a lot of what ifs. Maybe I don't have regrets for not pursuing it. I just hope so. The thing that makes me happy about my decision is that if I didn't take the "detour" I'd still be looking for the right guy. I would still be that person who didn't believe in true love that everything is just about physical attraction. I'm glad that there was "that" turning point in my life (which iss another story to tell). If it hadn't been for that I wouldn't have the oppurtunity to meet him. Getting married with my husband is something I will never regret. I will never regret something that made me happy.

Maybe I should be really busy to pass this phase.I want to avoid contemplating and avoid being envious (aren't we all envious at some point?). I want to free my mind from all the negative thoughts. When I'm busy I don't have time for arguments and I don't have time thinking about my fears especially when it comes to my marriage. I don't want to waste my time checking on other people on those social networking sites. It just makes me feel jealous at some point. So here it goes. There are times that we compare ourselves to other people like our childhood friends, friends from gradeschool to college, to say the least. I told myself before that when I become 20 something most probably I will have a lot of what if's. Why did I say that? Because I was a coward and always a coward. I don't take risks. I am always safe, always average. I grew up with below zero self esteem. I did not believe in myself because I don't think no one did. That made become a negative person maybe. I remember last Friday during our workshop, our British trainer had this version of "dr. quack." I forgot how he called it. Well anyway we just had to tangled our hands and figure out ourselves how to untangle our hands. We were all able to accomplish it. The purpose of that game was to believe in ourselves and believe that nothing is impossible. Then after the game, he told me that he was picking on me because I kept on saying that it was impossible. Yeah, I did. I did say that it was impossible for a lot of times, but the truth is I was thinking that it was possible. I even acted as the leader because I know that it is possible. But why did I keep on telling them that it was impossible? I didn't realize that until now. Thoughts just keep on pouring tonight. I'm such a coward. I should believe in myself. There is another activity I remember. This British guy asked us to work in pairs. Each pair should not have the same height. My partner was 5 or 6 inches taller than I. Then he told the taller members to place their hands high on the wall. We had to reach their hands without tip toeing. Again, I did it. Then he asked the taller members to make it higher, and I did it again. Though I was on pain already I did it. It was a realization that if we push ourselves or work 10 percent harder we can do it. Nothing is really impossible, if we believe. I was moved. Thinking of those activities now make me think, why the hell I'm still feeling this? From these random thoughts again, it's a realization that the only person who can make us feel good about ourselves is us. Nobody can put us down if we let them do that.

I hope I can be more inspired now. In a few years I will become a Mom. I want my children to look up to me. I want them to be so proud of their Mom and most importantly be an inspiration...a true inspiration...It's not easy to do something uninspired. I know that. I don't want them to fail just like I did. Well, it's not yet late. I'm not that old, am I? I want to believe that I'm still young and i've got a long road ahead of me...

sleepless night

I'm not really busy these days but there a lot of things going on. I don't know what to do. I want to do a lot of things. I have quite a few oppurtunities but I don't know which one to take. Now I end up just thinking what to do. I really have to set my priorities but I'm afraid to take risks. I already did actually, but i don't know if I'm on the righ track. WTF!

I'm a super woman wanna be! Time really flies. My birthday month is almost over. After a few days it'll be another year. I'm gonna turn a year older again. Then what? I should be able to accomplish things in three years. I'm giving myself three years to accomplish things, but what about the things I also want to try? I'm not yet busy but thinking of the things I'm gonna do for the next few days feels like my hands are so full already. Well, I love being busy but! Can I?

For some people, my dilemma is so simple. I'm just giving myself a hard time. I remember a new colleague telling me last night that I should not think of keeping two jobs because I have a husband who can support me. Yeah, I think he can, but I'm not used to asking for help so I can pay bills or buy things I need.

When I was still studying, asking for extra allowance was not that easy. I learned the value of saving. When my other siblings would give me extra allowance aside from my regular allowance i would save it so every Christmas I could buy gifts for the whole family. Then when I was not yet working I made sure that the money my sister saved for me (if ever i want to study again) was for meaningful purposes. If I borrowed some, I made sure that I paid my sister back. I cannot imagine myself stuck at home waiting for my allowance. It's just not fullfiling at all.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What to do when alone during sleepless nights? Things I've been doing for the past few days..

I'm nocturnal again hehe..I'm back to being very active at night.

I sleep at around 5. Spending the whole night in front of my laptop.

• My appetite for watching movies is back. I don't know what happened. For the past few months I was not into watching movies. I just got bored of spending hours watching a movie. It's like "celebrities" overload too. The last time I watched a movie in a theater was a year ago I guess! I don't feel like a loser naman hehe. Now I just watch movies online. I can now watch the movies I missed. Good thing it's back because there are still quite a few good movies to enjoy. finally i got to watch The Joy Luck Club! a must see for every woman!
• My other addiction is blog hopping. I love reading celebrities' blog. I'm a sucker for people who can "really" write but the good thing about their blogs is it's not very stressful heheheh...
• Top celebrity bloggers:

• patty laurel-- her blog is really entertaining..She's so full of enthusiasm...very cheerful
• chico garcia-- i'm a huge fan of The Morning Rush!
• ala paredes-- so independent..fearless thoughts
• zsazsa padilla-- you can see the other side of her. i'm not a fan of her but she writes well hehe
• jim paredes-- musings of a true artist..he's an inspiration!
• bianca-- she used to have many entries but now she rarely posts..(should be deleted na hehe)
• brian gorell-- he's not really a celebrity but he became one because of "gucci gang.." juicy gossips i must say hehehe....visiting his site enables me to check other gossip related sites hehe
• kitty go-- of course who doesn't love gossips about the high society???hehhe
• leah salonga-- reading her posts feels like she's talking to her readers...just imagine how she speaks...with her accent and how fast she speaks hehe

What will I do next? I've been wanting to have a real hobby..i want to be physically active..like play some sports or maybe just do yoga or hit the gym..i wish i could..

just another sleepless night of random thoughts..

cough..cough..

Another sleepless night again. I'm here again just in front of my laptop looking for something to make myself fall asleep..

Back to blogging again, but it's different today. I'm happy again hehehe..so moody.. just hope that things will not happen again. I hate being angry. I don't like myself when I say negative things. wla lang..sna my bitching out days will be not be this often na hehehe..

Sem break is so over. It's another term for this year..but it's okay I will just have my practicum. I'll be busy again, I just hope I'll will survive. I made a promise to myself that I won't cram again..well sana...I wasted a lot of time just thinking that I have a lot of things to do...the truth is..had i done my paper works earlier maybe my grades could've been higher..kulang sa sipag tlga..

_________________________________________________________________________________

I had my early birthday celebration today. Since my friend Krz's bday is sept 6 we had a lunch date with the "angels" We just had some Vietnamese food. Again, none of us brought a digicam. As usual, another get together without a camera. It was a special day but there was no cam. We didn't use our phones to take pics, we wanted the real thing. sayang...

Tomorrow..or should i say later...i'm gonna celebrate again. I will have dinner with my mother in law..hehehe..when can i celebrate my bday kya with my hubby? so so sad..

wla lang...wlang magwa tlga...

i'm hungry but i'm so lazy..i want to eat something but the thing is i have brushed my teeth. If i eat chocolates or cookies i have to brush my teeth again..just the thought of it makes me tired already..tiisin ko n lng..syang ang toothpaste and bactidol..bactidol is so expnsive n pla. i asked my sister's helper to buy a bottle of bactidol to the nearest drugstore because i felt like i'm gonna lose my voice again. i just gave her a hundred pesos and i was so surprised that the bottle is so tiny and it costs 87 pesos. i was so surprised..sige na nga di na ko kain..chocolates and cookies are too sweet..it might aggravate my tonsilitis..i want to get rid of my phlegm so i could go back to work na..i'll just eat later..

....

Forgiving someone is not a difficult thing to do, so long as the person is asking for forgiveness...but what if he doesn't ask for forgiveness? and if he asked?

It's easy so long as he's sincere. Forgiving is nonsense if things haven't changed. How would you forgive someone who hasn't showed how sorry he was or how ready he was to change and not to do those stupid things again?

It's true.. behind every bitch is a man who made her that way..

....

I thought I can do it. I thought I'd be able to cope with the situation, but I was totally wrong. I'm so weak. I thought I was brave enough to face all these. I thought I already have the courage to face the reality. I thought I'd be forgiving enough. I thought I have moved on and forget what happened.

I was so ready to forget everything and move on to have a fresh start, but it seems like I can't forget all those things. Why? Because things haven't changed. I can still see the same faces. I can still feel the same anger. I can still notice the traces of the past. Things haven't changed, which in fact those should've changed as we made the biggest decision in our lives.

I don't have any interests right now. I've stopped doing my final paper because I can't think clearly. I don't have any interest in any tv shows. I don't like watching movies or just simply go out. I feel like I wanna dettach myself again from the mainstream.I need moments of solitude to finally move on. I can't just be like this. I still have a lot of things I need to care about. I need to stop thinking of the stupid things that had happened. Well it depends. It depends on how things will change...it change is still possible.

I can't just be like this. Life must go on. I'll miss a lot of beautiful things and wonderful oppurtunities if this continues.

At times, I don't wanna wake up because I know the changes I've been expecting are far beyond reality.

random thoughts

I didn't realize that our final paper would be so difficult. Theories really make me sick..but instead of working my ass off since I'm cramming again here I am again..procastination is really my worst enemy. I'm taking a break again. I'm not in the mood to read tons of photocopied materials. While taking a break I decided to go to Futureme.org. I saw this site from Chico's blog. Since I feel extremely sad again I thougt I needed something to do to let it out. I just feel so empty these past few days.

On that site, you'll be writing to yourself. It's your decision when you want to receive the mail you sent to yourself. It was such a great experience. It was like talking to myself. I was so free to say different things that make me feel this way these past few days. I felt good, though I still feel so empty.

A lot of things are going on. Two weeks ago I decided to be a happy person, no frills no issues; but it's just so difficult to be that happy person I am aiming to be if a lot of things are bugging me. I feel so empty. I feel like I am nowhere to go. Is this because I am turning a year older again? Is this another pre-birthday syndrome? Or is it because of the things that are going on righ now? I want to stay positive. I don't want to be an angry person but I can't help it. I just expected a lot of things but I ended up regretting some of the decisions I made, some of the things I said, things I should've said and things I should've done. I don't want to grow old with a lot of grudges. I don't know how to deal with a lot of things. I don't know how to cope with the situation. I want to do a lot of things, but circumstances always make their way to stop me from doing things.

I have a lot of drama these days. I'm dealing with a lot of things only I can resolve I guess. It's so frustrating when there is no one who can understand you. No one seems to understand the profundity of your thoughts. No one seems to care if you're hurting or not. No one seems to understand what you really like. No one is sensitive enough with your needs. No one just simply understands you...because you're different. Aren't we all?

It's so frustrating when two people can meet halfway to compensate their differences. Conflict is just everywhere. Confict with the people you meet everyday...and the most difficult to resolve- internal conflict. I've been struggling for the past few days to block all the negativities..but it's just insane! Everyday is indeed a struggle.

I hope things will get better..

^^

from my student, EJ. It was so sweet of her to actually spend time putting some cute effects on these images. I sent her my wedding photos because she was so eager to know what I look like. She was very surprised to see me. She said that she was expecting that I'm a little fat because she has this theory that plump women are usually very funny, jolly, confident and very positive. Well I sound like a positive person on the phone. I sound very jolly so I won't bore her. She was so surprised to see what I look like. Well at least she didn't say that she was so disappointed to see my face hehehe...

i love the photos..sabi nga ni Kris we look like Prom King and Queen heheheh

8.11.08 -- love this date!

after a long vacay..time to get back to work..hays..It was a lucky day..i just had 7 students today and 1 free level test..i was like WHOA! Not stressful..but I was laughing at myself at work because i was getting nervous feeling like a newbie in this field..hahaha..kaw ba nman magstay buong araw with no one to talk to..just imagine you want to say something but you can't..it's like you want to write about something that you cannot contain anymore but you can't find the right words..I'm not lunatic naman to talk to myself.. but i it find so amusing when i find myself lauging because of some silly shows or funny thoughts of other people from the internet..It's pretty pathetic that i'm laughing alone but it's cool hahahaha...anyways.. going back to work..It was a little difficult for me to speak English as in real English, you know (with the twang y'kneow) with perfect grammar and pronunciation..But i survived! Hope tomorrow will be a lucky day again! I'm one lucky person anyway hahaha..
I've been thinking lately kse...(well what's new drama queen??) there are a lot of things i should be thanful for tlaga..that BIG MAN up there has always been good to me...I get easily annoyed sometimes..welll most of the time minsan..(ano ba tlga?) I'm such a whiner din! I know I'm so blessed but sometimes i ignore that fact. I still tell myself that other people are still a lot better than I. I don't envy them..(well a few of them hehehe, aren't we all envious at times?) Hearing some stories, I know a lot of people would want to have the kind of life i'm having right now...nakss yabang hehehehe...what kind of life do i have ba? steady lang hahaha..Seriously (i'm getting emotional..hanky puh==lease..) it's time for a change..in a good way of course..I'm turning 25 next month and there are a lot of things that are about to happen..It's time to say my mantra: I am bound for greatness...hahaha conceited...and you are too! yes you...Let's all be optimistict..let's spread a positive attitude that is contagious and can inspire those wounded hearts, weary souls and trouble minds!
why a sudden change of mode? It's just time...but still a drama queen...

work it out!

omg! i need to sleep now. i need to sleep. i said i need to sleep..but i can't. my hubby has just texted saying that he hasn't slept yet. after he signed out from MSN messenger, he couldn't fall asleep. we're both trying hard to fall asleep but we can't. so i'm here again with my laptop lying on my bed blogging about how difficult it is to fall asleep and some random thoughts. it's so difficult when there is no one to talk to. it's insane. FYI: I didn't go anywhere today. that means there was no one i saw today. the only time i uttered something was when my mother in law called to check on me. i was here at home all day contemplating what to do the next day, but the fact is i should be so busy now. finals, demo teaching and submission of final papers will be on aug. 16 and 23. i borrowed 4 books from the lib, downloaded some materials i need but procastinating is really a problem! i hate being so lazy! i should start working on my final paper, lesson plans, lecture and demo teaching. but it's been 3 days of procastinating. i know what's wrong with me. I hope i'll wake up later with a lot of energy and enthusiasm to do things...School is not the only thing i should be working on. I need to prepare a lot of documents. I'm working on something for the month of December. I hope i'll get positive results. wish me luck..
I need to sleep now. I need to get up early.
Where can I buy diligence???? i have a lot of plans but i'm so lazy!!

empty home

hay..i thought i would be able to go back to work last Monday..i miss working..i miss being busy but i'm beginning to love my life as a professional bum hehehe..i haven't been a bum for a long while..the last time was after i resigned from my previous work in Kumon..i didn't work for 2 months..it was different that time..now i'm not working because of my health conditions..i don't know what's happening. After i got married i got sick..then before my husband left i got sick again..it's been two weeks and i haven't felt so energetic..whenever i go somewhere i feel dizzy..when i do chores at home like cleaning, cooking and run errands like going to the laundromat or buy something i feel tired easily..but i don't have a choice.. i'm alone here so there is no one i can depend on to do such things for me..
i'm so tired
I've just gone to the laundromat downstairs..got a lot of dirty clothes..my husband's dirty clothes were still there and i could still smell the scent of his perfume and his signature scent...i missed my husband while sorting our clothes..but i can't do anything..i'm just giving myself a hard time if if i continue reminiscing and entertain the feeling of being alone and lonely..after going to the laundromat..i started cooking my lunch..but i forgot to buy onions..i went downstairs again to buy. i also brought with me our water container to have it refilled..i cooked my favorite pork dish..i'm gonna eat it again later for my dinner since there will be no one to eat my left over food and i don't wanna cook again..i had lunh at 3..it was so late..then i watched TV while waiting for my hubby's text msg saying that it was his break time already.. i didn't start washing the dishes until his break time was over..the good thing about being alone is washing only 1 plate, 1 glass, 1 fork and 1 spoon..i don't like a messy kitchen so i cleaned it again like what i always do after every meal..i noticed that our floor was so dirty so i had it cleaned. i'm so domesticated now..i patiently scubbed the floor to remove some stains..i'm not satisfied with the result..i stopped because i was so tired already..then i sprayed some insect repellant for the nasty cockroaches..when i first came here they were only babies..they are growing now.i'm not afraid of cockroaches but they are so disgusting..eewww..then i sprayed some sweet and gardeny smelling air freshener..i love my place..it's so small so it's easy to clean hehe..it's cleaner and more fragrant now...but it's still empty..i may have all the things i need to keep myself busy and entertained but it's still empty... nothing beats going home to a real home..
i miss the presence of my husband..i miss our laughter that fills the air, the loud volume of our TV when he watches WWE, sports channel and some old tagalog films(and i miss bugging him to change the channels), i miss the smell of the delicious food he patiently prepares for me, i even miss some of our petty arguements..While doing this, he's working his ass off for our future. i may have said some nasty things but i know that he's has grown so much..i know that he's doing his best to be a great husband..I miss him so much..i know he misses me as much as i do..and we can't wait to be together again..
i've just said that i don't want to entertain the feeling of being alone and sad but now i can feel it again..

need to be stoical

I don't have anything but good intentions. I didn't mean to hurt anyone, specially those people I love and care about. There were things I expected to happen but didn't transpire. Things just happened. Things i didn't expect. I didn't want things to turn out this way. It's hard to be misunderstood. What's even more difficult is to be misunderstood by the person you love the most.
______

Who wants to compete with anyone. It's hard to accept when you still need to compete with other people for the love and attention of the person you love the most. Somebody's hurting. Should she accept the reality? Should she accept the fact that..for him...his friends and peers are more important than her or their relationship? Should she deal with it? just ignore the fact or give up? Can anyone who is in a relationship right now accept the fact that they are just their partners' second priority?

_____

This just the beginning of everything...somebody has to believe in miracles here...miracle is the answer..
_____

somebody has to have stoic attitude here...

:)

My very good friends Merky and Daisy kept their promise to visit me tonight. After office hours, with their office clothes on they dropped by and stayed until past midnight. We just had a 14 inch yellow cab pizza for our dinner and pancit canton. i still don't have appetite so i barely finished one slice of pizza. I don't care about the pizza anyway. I just wanted someone to talk to so I could laught out loud again. They didn't stay for a long while because they have to get up early for work. We just had photo ops again hahha..we really are certified camwhores.."cam whoring" can be a little fun and could ease loneliness for a little while hahaha...

6.28.08

dealing with extreme sadness

haven't posted a new entry for a long while. I've been so busy with a lot of things. it's been 2 months. and a lot of things have happenedd already. i was so lazy writing, though there are a lot of things i've wanted to write about..
now..it's time..since there is no one to talk to..a lot of things had happened since the last time i posted something here..I've got married..and during 5 weeks of being with my husband a lot of things happened..good and bad..married life is really something everyone has to be really prepared for..financially, physically, spiritually and i guess the most important for me "emotionally." and just 4 days ago my husband left for the States again..before he left i was terribly sick...i hated it. we were not able to enjoy our last week of being together..when he left i was so afraid of going home. i was sick and so lonely..good thing my in-laws were kind enough to have me in their house so they can look after me while i'm sick..i was planning of staying there for two more days..but reality bites. i need to do a lot of things otherwise i won't be able to pass the courses i took for this term. i decided to go home..my mother in law and my hubby's aunt volunteered to spend the night in our place. thank God, i won't be alone for a little while..

now, i'm alone here in our room..i knew it.. this place will just remind me of all the good times my husband and i have shared..everywhere i look i can see my husband. i can feel his presence. i can still smell his perfume..God..I'm so lonely..this is the pain of missing someone-- reminiscing the past then realize that everything won't happen again for the next few days..i'm gonna be with my husband again----next year..it's killing me..i should get used to it. I should get used to this situation..i don't know..only God knows when we can be together not for 5 weeks or 4 weeks but forever...it's been five nights of sleeping without him..i miss the warmth of his hug, his tender kisses..everything about him..
I'm doing this while my tears keep rolling down on my cheeks.. i don't want to lie down on my bed..after the night of July 25th, this will be my very first time to spend the night in our room without him...
i don't know how to deal with this extreme sadness..

tomorrow will be my last day here in the office...woohooo.

i'm not that busy anymore..so i have so much time to do what i want to do hehehe, though i need to do a lot of things pa rin..

What i enjoy doing lately..i get to blog hop na and read the blog entries of interesting people. I love reading Jim Paredes' blog. It's really interesting. His wonderful life experiences and the profundity of his thoughts reflect on his blog entries which inspire me to write more..though it's a little difficult for me these days to sound serious or write something i used to write about. I'm still a little guarded. I'm not yet comfortable to express how i feel or talk about my opinion about a certain issue. god..how i miss being fearless and fierce (borrowed from Christian of Project Runway 4 hehehe)..

and oh...my day is not complete without reading juicy tidbits while listening to the Morning Rush during my break time. Chico and Delamar are still hilarious. They never fail me to make me laugh out loud..Anyway, juicy tidbits from my favorite bloggers are sooo Gossip Girl..check out chikatime, kitty go and briangorell's blog hehhe..Just like the Gossip Girl, they also receive tips from the insiders of high society..I'm not really gullible but it's great source of entertainment hehehe at the expense of Gucci Gang members' privacy..



it's so gossip girl hehehe...xoxoxo

Happy Monday!
I'm so sleepy and tired today... i actually took a power nap after my classes in ther morning hehehe..
I'm so so so tired because of my busy weekend.
I may be tired today but i had so much fun especially yesterday.. We celebrated my sister's 40th birthday. We had a swimming party in a private resort in Laguna. It was actually like a family reunion. I got to see all of my siblings and all of my newphews and nieces. That day was perfectly good. I didn't go swimming actually but i had a lot of fun. I was very emotional seeing my siblings getting along well, seeing us talking about anything under the sun, reminiscing about the past, listening to my older brothers and sisters classic stories about thier hardships when they were young, and seeing their kids getting along well. It was so amusing to see my nephews and nieces looking after one another. They don't fight, when there are kids bullying one of them they would have each other's back hehehe. Bata pa lang clannish na hehehe. Very filipino tlga. Syang tlga, i cannot post some pics. I don't know what happened to my account. I've been trying to post some photos but I couldn't..hmm...Anyway, my arms are still sore because of my nephews and nieces. I was also baby sitting yesterday. My niece Chloe, she's very adorable. Although she has turned two already last April 30 i couldn't help but carry her. She's so sweet and really cute. She was naglalambing saying: Tita, carry...and then said: Ate Chloe wants to swim..then she also grabbed the mic to sing some nursery rhymes. she had her mini concert. One of her antics was she was imitating Charice when singing like raising her hands, closing her eyes and all..she's really adorable I hope my future daughter will be as cute and smart like she! Then I have two cute baby nephews. They're a little chubby so they're so heavy. They went there with their yayas but i couldn't help but to carry them. I have 9 nephews and 2 nieces na pla..and I'm a proud Tita. I hope they will grow up as responsible as their parents. I would love to see them when they're grown ups getting along very well, no jealousy among them, no fights just love and kindness...just like their parents and tito's and tita's.
----
i'm aching to blog about how i feel these days but i couldn't find the perfect word to describe it.. i would end up saying..i'm excited, i'm anxious, i'm happy, i'm sad..mixed emotions that is!
i have a lot of worries too...hay..12 days to go!
i should get myself some sleep and beauty rest..loads of it!

mga pangyayari s buhay hehehe

back from a long weekend. Loved it! I was able to do a lot of things.
----
It's been a week since my last post. I was so busy last week preparing for my report and running some errands for my wedding (18 days to go na lng). My computer at home was not working well, good thing I didn't have many classes last week so I was able to prepare my report at work...I have a lot of stories to tell..Tuesday, I went to dlsu to look for books I needed as my references..god..it was so difficult to look for one specific book. I was dead tired already that time because i was also busy at work on that day..It was very frustrating to look for books for over two hours. the perfect thing to do during a time like that?PRAY hehe. then an angel came hahaha...a chinese guy helped me find the exact book i needed..he even promised me to give me some of his readings. We agreed to meet the next day..but i was so tired when wednesday came so i just decided not to meet him and asked my friend Kris who is surprisingly his classmate to get those readings. But something happened. Kris forgot to bring them last Saturday! but it's okay our professor was kind nman to explain some concepts on my behalf heheheh..Though i had a series of misfortunes last Sat i was still able to work it out..My Saturday morning was really a crazy day!

Thursday..i had my final meeting with our caterer for to finalize our menu and some details..it was really tiring..then friday i had to go to our munisipyo again to submit some necessary documents for our marriage license. i was so malas again...this stupid clerk lost the copy of my CENOMAR..good thing the clerk who accpted documents agreed to have special arrangement for that.. some people in gov't offices are such pain in the ass.

then Saturday.. a very stressful day..i was dead tired when i came home.. as soon as i arrived home i had dinner and changeed my clothes then lay down on the sofa in front of the TV..then dozed off hahaha.. my sister just woke me up but I didn't have enough energy to brush my teeth and wash my face..so i just went to our room and sleep again..i even forgot to text some people i was going to meet the following day.

Sunday..I woke up at around 7 then text some people and answered some phone calls..then went back to sleep again..when i got up at around 10:30 there were already a lot of missed calls..my appointment was 12. and i texted my super reliable friends daisy and merky pala to meet me at 11:00. merk always has a funny way to rush me. his text said: wag ng magmaganda.."neng..kinikidnap ang magaganda sa divisoria.." and i really took it seriously hahaha..i had a quick shower grabbed a bite..but then i was still 45 mins late hehehhe..we went to divine as my friends call it..it was really hot..yeah, i had my gown and the rest of the entourage's gown made in divisoria..i was able to save almost 50% of our actual budget for the gown. I was so nervous..actually all of us were nervous what my gown will look like especially my wedding planner who really has this prejudice against divisoria-made-gowns..I wasn't really expecting something good but when they opened the box I was happy. Yeah, i love it! I don't know if some people would love it..but i don't care.. i so love it! It was exactly the wedding gown i was imagining wearing while walking down the aisle. They say that most brides who are happy about their gown must fall in love with the design first. I didn't try it on not because of a superstition but because I want it to be extra special. I want to wear my wedding gown only once. So now, i need to maintain my weight so that it'll fit me perfectly. I tend to lose weight kse agad when i'm stressed. My fear now is it might not fit me well since i have this petite frame. It's a tube gown, it might fall off hahahah.

After we got our gown..merk, daisy and i decided to look for some great finds in Divine. THey looked like they're the ones getting married because they were both carrying the two boxes and i was just carrying a small plastic bag, that's the good thing about having a small frame-people would do things for me hehehhe..i just love them..Imagine walking along the busy and dirty streets of divisoria with a large box? after we got some things we need, we went to City land- Santolan to view the condo unit we are planning to rent.I loved it too! i just hope the person who owns it would choose us since a lot of people have expressed their interest to rent that unit..such a hectic schedule huh? then we went home again to take a quick shower and got changed because next stop? hotels in Ortigas hehehe.We agreed to meet at 5..and i was late again hehehe...whew! i was able to accomplish a lot of thing last Sunday.. after that we went to Megamall for Merk's shopping spree then had dinner...After a long day we ended up again in Starbucks- Metrowalk. They were hoping to see some hot guys but they fondly called that night "patay na gabi" hehehe..What would you expect on a lousy Sunday night? HOt guys going to bars? heheh They weren't able to feast their eyes on some hot hunky guys hhehehe..well for me, i was just enjoying the night with them. We'r cooking something hehe i hope it'll work. i was tickled pink while talking about our plans hehehe..Thanks daisy and merky for the walang humpay na kakiyan, bongang bongang pangookray, for making me laugh out loud, and for such being so helpful for being so so super friends..What's next? Spa next weekend! woohooo..
i should've taken photos...sayang tlaga.

time to work again..good thing i was able to take a rest yesterday.
9 days n lng..it'll be my much awaited 5-weeks vacation na.
saya saya!

need to get rid of my angst..and angas person hahaha

i don't want other people to affect my mood and i don't want anyone to affect my day. But! this person is really getting into my nerves already. She is the true epitome of manggagamit. She's nice to other people (especially sakin) if she needs something...like she needs to borrow money or i need to do a favor for her..I always try to be nice because when i'm mean i am really mean and i am always understanding and she is so mayabang now. As in sobrang yabang. I can still remember the day when she was just starting. She was like the worst teacher ever. She has improved a lot. I mean really A LOT! but now she is so mayabng ang nangmamaliit ng ibang tao..as if she is reallly good..and I hate her for always making fun of me because I'm not tall..yeah she is relatively tall. But i'd rather have this height and still look pretty and loof fab than to be tall as she is but looking like an elephant or dinosaur..oopps that was according to other people hehehe. hay nku, since there is no one here in the office i can talk to about my angst this blog has been a good outlet for me to express how i feel. I just hope she'll learn to be humble since she's still mediocre anyway. now i'm getting mad huh?
--
anyway, since i've expressed my angst already i'm feeling better. Now i need to get things done.. yesterday i talked about the things i should be able to finish this week.. and i forgot apartment hunting pa pla, listening to some wedding songs so the people who are going to sing can prepare their piece na..and then dinner/ bridal shower with friends pa..and i'm working pa pla hehe
--
i hope this day will get better.

busybusyhan..

monday..monday..so so sleepy today..i took a 5 minute nap in between doing evals and listening to some classes.. I was dragging my feet to work. Last night I was so so lazy to go to work. I talked to my fiance for an hour on the phone..and after our conversation it took an hour before i finally fell asleep though i didn't have enough sleep last weekend. i've been thinking a lot again lately. I'm so busy contemplating what i will do. and i have a lot of things to do!
i'm not excited about going to work anymore. i want to be enthusiastic again. i miss being so cheery. can't wait for things to happen..
...
things to do this week:

• meet our wedding planner to discuss styling details
• go to munisipyo to talk to dswd people because we couldn't attend family planning seminar together [ do we really need to know the do's and dont's? hehhe]..we don't have our marriage license yet! and since i'm only 24 i still need parent's advice. wedding preparation is really tough!
• go to my very dependable friend Daisy to fill out the form for my passport..yeah.i stll don't have a passport heheh
• go to my dentist for my braces again.since we're running out of time..i need to see her once a week..i need to get rid of my braces before our wedding so i won't look like betty la fea on my wedding day
• and oh...go to our brangay halll and secure a copy of brangy clearance...Why do we need a lot of papers????
• and i should be able to relax on friday since saturday will be my first day in school..can't wait to go to school again!
• and oh..i also need to go to some of our ninangs and ninongs...

- my hands are full! arghh.

friday..woohoo

soo..so happy for my friend Merky..la lang..it's just that, the day he had his first interview in that bio-gas company i asked him to go with me to our 'sanctuary.' we decided to meet in our sanctuary since it's not crowded naman on weekdays so he could see me agad..i had my moments there..then he arrived saying: "tpos ka na magmoment neng?" then i said.."hell yeah" while drying my tears hahaha..i so love that place. After my moments there we had a madrama conversation at gloria jeans over a cup of chocolate drink..i felt so relieved after that..nothing really beats going to my sanctuary then go to a coffee shop when i feel so so bad..going back to my friend..i'm just so happy for him..well i hope the things i've prayed for will be granted..since most of those are not for me but for the people i love and care about..

and while my friend is very excited about his new job..i'm now having a dilemma whether to continue working here after my wedding or find another one..i wish life was a lot simpler. i wish i could just leave..i just don't want to have any regrets in the future and say..i could've...i should've...
---

a week from now i'll be busy again on weekends. it's back to school time..i can now imagine myself cramming on friday nights..lots of papers again..i wish i had a knack for writing..i'm not really confident when i see my professors with PhD reading my papers..i always lack vocabulary.. i need more academic terms so my papers would look like a paper written by a graduate school student hehe..arghhh...
--
got a lot of random thoughts today..it's friday..can't wait to take a long nap...
happy friday everyone!

i've just talked to my boss...and now i realized that it's really coming..hays...3 weeks from now it'll be my much awaited vacation..i'll be getting married in june..woohoo..so i asked for a 5 week leave. Luckily, they allowed me to.i was reluctant at first but when i come back i'll still have the same rate and i'll still be one of the TLs. some of the bosses are kinda apprehensive thinking that i wouldn't come back anymore. they think that i'd get pregnant agad and that i'd just stay home and be a full time wife..but hey, can i do that? i would love the idea of just staying home..taking care of the whole family..maybe for a little while, i can...and the thing is my hubby will go back to States.. nway...yeah they're now considering the person i recommended to be my assistant TL..i feel sorry for the other one because i know that she is more capable..and she is much better..but the other boss likes the other one because she has stayed in the company for almost a year now and the other one is just new..i just hope that we made the right choice...i wouldn't want the other teachers hear their TL speaking with her regional accent hehe..she has this regional accent kse..and i kinda don't like her attitude..well... no choice n lng tlga hehe..

the company still wants me to come back..it feels great knowing that they trust me..yeah.i'm earning a relatively good salary..but the thing is i don't like the working environment anymore. so im still thinking if i'd come back or not..i love the job..but i don't want to work with people who don't even know the meaning of 'techie' ... omg! hehe..the question now is..when i leave this company..will i miss the people i'm working with right now as much as i missed the people i used to work with from the company i used to work for? i just hope there will be better oppurtunities for me..

starting again

been blogging for a while..i've used blogspot before..got a wordpress account..multipy account and friendster blog. but i think i need to decide now which one to use..someday i want to look at this and read all my entries feeling very proud of what i've become..it's high time i maintain one blog account..
there are a lot of happenings i want to share to the world..thoughts keep on pouring..and i don't where to start..
just can't wait to post another one again..