....

Forgiving someone is not a difficult thing to do, so long as the person is asking for forgiveness...but what if he doesn't ask for forgiveness? and if he asked?

It's easy so long as he's sincere. Forgiving is nonsense if things haven't changed. How would you forgive someone who hasn't showed how sorry he was or how ready he was to change and not to do those stupid things again?

It's true.. behind every bitch is a man who made her that way..

....

I thought I can do it. I thought I'd be able to cope with the situation, but I was totally wrong. I'm so weak. I thought I was brave enough to face all these. I thought I already have the courage to face the reality. I thought I'd be forgiving enough. I thought I have moved on and forget what happened.

I was so ready to forget everything and move on to have a fresh start, but it seems like I can't forget all those things. Why? Because things haven't changed. I can still see the same faces. I can still feel the same anger. I can still notice the traces of the past. Things haven't changed, which in fact those should've changed as we made the biggest decision in our lives.

I don't have any interests right now. I've stopped doing my final paper because I can't think clearly. I don't have any interest in any tv shows. I don't like watching movies or just simply go out. I feel like I wanna dettach myself again from the mainstream.I need moments of solitude to finally move on. I can't just be like this. I still have a lot of things I need to care about. I need to stop thinking of the stupid things that had happened. Well it depends. It depends on how things will change...it change is still possible.

I can't just be like this. Life must go on. I'll miss a lot of beautiful things and wonderful oppurtunities if this continues.

At times, I don't wanna wake up because I know the changes I've been expecting are far beyond reality.

random thoughts

I didn't realize that our final paper would be so difficult. Theories really make me sick..but instead of working my ass off since I'm cramming again here I am again..procastination is really my worst enemy. I'm taking a break again. I'm not in the mood to read tons of photocopied materials. While taking a break I decided to go to Futureme.org. I saw this site from Chico's blog. Since I feel extremely sad again I thougt I needed something to do to let it out. I just feel so empty these past few days.

On that site, you'll be writing to yourself. It's your decision when you want to receive the mail you sent to yourself. It was such a great experience. It was like talking to myself. I was so free to say different things that make me feel this way these past few days. I felt good, though I still feel so empty.

A lot of things are going on. Two weeks ago I decided to be a happy person, no frills no issues; but it's just so difficult to be that happy person I am aiming to be if a lot of things are bugging me. I feel so empty. I feel like I am nowhere to go. Is this because I am turning a year older again? Is this another pre-birthday syndrome? Or is it because of the things that are going on righ now? I want to stay positive. I don't want to be an angry person but I can't help it. I just expected a lot of things but I ended up regretting some of the decisions I made, some of the things I said, things I should've said and things I should've done. I don't want to grow old with a lot of grudges. I don't know how to deal with a lot of things. I don't know how to cope with the situation. I want to do a lot of things, but circumstances always make their way to stop me from doing things.

I have a lot of drama these days. I'm dealing with a lot of things only I can resolve I guess. It's so frustrating when there is no one who can understand you. No one seems to understand the profundity of your thoughts. No one seems to care if you're hurting or not. No one seems to understand what you really like. No one is sensitive enough with your needs. No one just simply understands you...because you're different. Aren't we all?

It's so frustrating when two people can meet halfway to compensate their differences. Conflict is just everywhere. Confict with the people you meet everyday...and the most difficult to resolve- internal conflict. I've been struggling for the past few days to block all the negativities..but it's just insane! Everyday is indeed a struggle.

I hope things will get better..

^^

from my student, EJ. It was so sweet of her to actually spend time putting some cute effects on these images. I sent her my wedding photos because she was so eager to know what I look like. She was very surprised to see me. She said that she was expecting that I'm a little fat because she has this theory that plump women are usually very funny, jolly, confident and very positive. Well I sound like a positive person on the phone. I sound very jolly so I won't bore her. She was so surprised to see what I look like. Well at least she didn't say that she was so disappointed to see my face hehehe...

i love the photos..sabi nga ni Kris we look like Prom King and Queen heheheh

8.11.08 -- love this date!

after a long vacay..time to get back to work..hays..It was a lucky day..i just had 7 students today and 1 free level test..i was like WHOA! Not stressful..but I was laughing at myself at work because i was getting nervous feeling like a newbie in this field..hahaha..kaw ba nman magstay buong araw with no one to talk to..just imagine you want to say something but you can't..it's like you want to write about something that you cannot contain anymore but you can't find the right words..I'm not lunatic naman to talk to myself.. but i it find so amusing when i find myself lauging because of some silly shows or funny thoughts of other people from the internet..It's pretty pathetic that i'm laughing alone but it's cool hahahaha...anyways.. going back to work..It was a little difficult for me to speak English as in real English, you know (with the twang y'kneow) with perfect grammar and pronunciation..But i survived! Hope tomorrow will be a lucky day again! I'm one lucky person anyway hahaha..
I've been thinking lately kse...(well what's new drama queen??) there are a lot of things i should be thanful for tlaga..that BIG MAN up there has always been good to me...I get easily annoyed sometimes..welll most of the time minsan..(ano ba tlga?) I'm such a whiner din! I know I'm so blessed but sometimes i ignore that fact. I still tell myself that other people are still a lot better than I. I don't envy them..(well a few of them hehehe, aren't we all envious at times?) Hearing some stories, I know a lot of people would want to have the kind of life i'm having right now...nakss yabang hehehehe...what kind of life do i have ba? steady lang hahaha..Seriously (i'm getting emotional..hanky puh==lease..) it's time for a change..in a good way of course..I'm turning 25 next month and there are a lot of things that are about to happen..It's time to say my mantra: I am bound for greatness...hahaha conceited...and you are too! yes you...Let's all be optimistict..let's spread a positive attitude that is contagious and can inspire those wounded hearts, weary souls and trouble minds!
why a sudden change of mode? It's just time...but still a drama queen...

work it out!

omg! i need to sleep now. i need to sleep. i said i need to sleep..but i can't. my hubby has just texted saying that he hasn't slept yet. after he signed out from MSN messenger, he couldn't fall asleep. we're both trying hard to fall asleep but we can't. so i'm here again with my laptop lying on my bed blogging about how difficult it is to fall asleep and some random thoughts. it's so difficult when there is no one to talk to. it's insane. FYI: I didn't go anywhere today. that means there was no one i saw today. the only time i uttered something was when my mother in law called to check on me. i was here at home all day contemplating what to do the next day, but the fact is i should be so busy now. finals, demo teaching and submission of final papers will be on aug. 16 and 23. i borrowed 4 books from the lib, downloaded some materials i need but procastinating is really a problem! i hate being so lazy! i should start working on my final paper, lesson plans, lecture and demo teaching. but it's been 3 days of procastinating. i know what's wrong with me. I hope i'll wake up later with a lot of energy and enthusiasm to do things...School is not the only thing i should be working on. I need to prepare a lot of documents. I'm working on something for the month of December. I hope i'll get positive results. wish me luck..
I need to sleep now. I need to get up early.
Where can I buy diligence???? i have a lot of plans but i'm so lazy!!

empty home

hay..i thought i would be able to go back to work last Monday..i miss working..i miss being busy but i'm beginning to love my life as a professional bum hehehe..i haven't been a bum for a long while..the last time was after i resigned from my previous work in Kumon..i didn't work for 2 months..it was different that time..now i'm not working because of my health conditions..i don't know what's happening. After i got married i got sick..then before my husband left i got sick again..it's been two weeks and i haven't felt so energetic..whenever i go somewhere i feel dizzy..when i do chores at home like cleaning, cooking and run errands like going to the laundromat or buy something i feel tired easily..but i don't have a choice.. i'm alone here so there is no one i can depend on to do such things for me..
i'm so tired
I've just gone to the laundromat downstairs..got a lot of dirty clothes..my husband's dirty clothes were still there and i could still smell the scent of his perfume and his signature scent...i missed my husband while sorting our clothes..but i can't do anything..i'm just giving myself a hard time if if i continue reminiscing and entertain the feeling of being alone and lonely..after going to the laundromat..i started cooking my lunch..but i forgot to buy onions..i went downstairs again to buy. i also brought with me our water container to have it refilled..i cooked my favorite pork dish..i'm gonna eat it again later for my dinner since there will be no one to eat my left over food and i don't wanna cook again..i had lunh at 3..it was so late..then i watched TV while waiting for my hubby's text msg saying that it was his break time already.. i didn't start washing the dishes until his break time was over..the good thing about being alone is washing only 1 plate, 1 glass, 1 fork and 1 spoon..i don't like a messy kitchen so i cleaned it again like what i always do after every meal..i noticed that our floor was so dirty so i had it cleaned. i'm so domesticated now..i patiently scubbed the floor to remove some stains..i'm not satisfied with the result..i stopped because i was so tired already..then i sprayed some insect repellant for the nasty cockroaches..when i first came here they were only babies..they are growing now.i'm not afraid of cockroaches but they are so disgusting..eewww..then i sprayed some sweet and gardeny smelling air freshener..i love my place..it's so small so it's easy to clean hehe..it's cleaner and more fragrant now...but it's still empty..i may have all the things i need to keep myself busy and entertained but it's still empty... nothing beats going home to a real home..
i miss the presence of my husband..i miss our laughter that fills the air, the loud volume of our TV when he watches WWE, sports channel and some old tagalog films(and i miss bugging him to change the channels), i miss the smell of the delicious food he patiently prepares for me, i even miss some of our petty arguements..While doing this, he's working his ass off for our future. i may have said some nasty things but i know that he's has grown so much..i know that he's doing his best to be a great husband..I miss him so much..i know he misses me as much as i do..and we can't wait to be together again..
i've just said that i don't want to entertain the feeling of being alone and sad but now i can feel it again..

need to be stoical

I don't have anything but good intentions. I didn't mean to hurt anyone, specially those people I love and care about. There were things I expected to happen but didn't transpire. Things just happened. Things i didn't expect. I didn't want things to turn out this way. It's hard to be misunderstood. What's even more difficult is to be misunderstood by the person you love the most.
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Who wants to compete with anyone. It's hard to accept when you still need to compete with other people for the love and attention of the person you love the most. Somebody's hurting. Should she accept the reality? Should she accept the fact that..for him...his friends and peers are more important than her or their relationship? Should she deal with it? just ignore the fact or give up? Can anyone who is in a relationship right now accept the fact that they are just their partners' second priority?

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This just the beginning of everything...somebody has to believe in miracles here...miracle is the answer..
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somebody has to have stoic attitude here...

:)

My very good friends Merky and Daisy kept their promise to visit me tonight. After office hours, with their office clothes on they dropped by and stayed until past midnight. We just had a 14 inch yellow cab pizza for our dinner and pancit canton. i still don't have appetite so i barely finished one slice of pizza. I don't care about the pizza anyway. I just wanted someone to talk to so I could laught out loud again. They didn't stay for a long while because they have to get up early for work. We just had photo ops again hahha..we really are certified camwhores.."cam whoring" can be a little fun and could ease loneliness for a little while hahaha...