wish list

Before writing down my previous post I told myself I was going to have my wish list for Christmas to brighten up my mood. I just felt like there was still something stuck on my chest after letting it out in a creepy comfort room here in cai sta office. Actually, I still feel so heavy while listening to mushy songs, spend my life with you and for you. Talking about indulging my sadness huh?

Before I get too emotional again, I'd better have my list already. Who knows, a person with a good heart there would love to share his/her blessings :)

Actually when I was thinking of my list, I was telling myself that the things I like are things I can actually afford myself or more than wants than needs. But, what the heck! It's for fun anyway.

1. A basket of goodies to complete my dream of a lazy sunday afternoon. (reese's peanut butter cups, pistachio nuts, half dozen of krispy creme's original glaze, 6 packs of soda in can, nestle's butter finger, lay's sour n cream flavor) this is heavenly good I swear!

2. DVD copy of my fave tv series: veronica mars seasons 1-3, Prison Break seasons 3-4, Desperate Housewives season 3-5, Joey seaoson 1-2, Gossip Girl season 2, Sex and the city seasons 1-6

3. A brand new car! hahaha

4. A gift certificate for my shopping spree! I think 20, 000 pesos will do, I don't need LV or Channel to look classy and chic. For 20, 000 pesos I can already fill my closet with new cool clothes, shoes, bags, and some accessories to match with

5. spa..(sauna, jacuzzi, balinese massage, hot tea, facial, body scrub) .heavenly good, just the thought of it feels relaxing

6. Trip to Boracay..such a loser.

7. Someone who can pimp my new apartment. I mean I need a nice bed, mat, japanese style center table, bean bags and some art decors. I mean I need the cheaper ones

8. A really nice job for my brother who has much intelligence and talents

9. more quality time with friends and family

10. a quiet christmas eve with my husband..minus the.......


and... God's forgiveness for all my sins, his continous blessings for me and my family.

harsh harsh

It's nearly Christmas. Gosh, time really flies. After Christmas, time to prepare for the new year. The new year is coming. I'm still stuck in this lonely place I created myself. Sure, there are lot a lof things to be thankful for and an endless list of things to be happy; but there are still so many reasons to feel this way. I haven't been so happy as I used to be for many days.

Feeling so alone is one thing that I've been feeling for the past few days. I feel so alone, though I have my family and friends. After a few good laughs and a sensible conversation with my top friends, loneliness would still hit me. After spending a nice weekend with my family I would still feel so empty. A lot of things are missing. I know how I get so frustrated when things get on the way when I want something. When things I've been expecting don't transpire. It's so frustrating that "things" right now are just so shaky. I'm so tired of all of these things. I'm not supposed to feel this since it's not suppose to happen. Everything should have gone so smooth without issues, had people known their obligations and responsibilities. I'm tired of getting angry. I'm tired of feeling bitter. I'm tired of waiting for nothing. I just want to feel good, if not the happiness I desire. It's hard to be alone when you're supposed to be with someone. Maybe other people can live alone because it's just how they are supposed to live. It's hard for them, but it's even harder when you're not supposed to be alone to feel all the burden. Think how difficult it is to manage everything on your own. Nothing would really understand all these crap I'm saying. This is like a combination of different feelings you wouldn't want to feel.

I know how emotional I am, but I've been avoiding all these issues for quite a while. It's time to face these issues. I'm facing all these alone and I'm pretty sure I'll solve these alone. I don't need to be sorry for the things I've said and done because I don't have to. I have all the rights in the world to feel this way.

I need to put myself back together. I need to be strong for myself.

Finally, after months of waiting for a good whole body massage, I had it today. It is just so sad that I was alone again. My sister was supposed to accompany me but she fell asleep. I looked like a loser again. Shopping for groceries alone, strolling in a crowded mall alone, going to spa alone, eating in a crowded restaurant alone. Good thing, I'm used to eating alone and shopping alone.

My friend and I have been planning to go to a spa in Timog, but we always end up meeting at night so we always end up having dinner or coffee to relax. I couldn't wait anymore so I just decided to go to Megamall with my sister after my driving lesson, but as I've said my sister fell asleep. I have been experiencing a terrible migraine, back ache, and pain on my neck, hips, waist...or should I say body aches. I've been so busy so I couldn't find time to "detoxify," until last Monday. I thought I wil never experience hyperventilation. Last Monday, a terrible head ache hit me while I was proofreading some essays, then I just felt some difficulties breathing. It was my very first time to experience that. Of course everyone said that "stress" is the culprit. My muscles were so stiff. The masseur found big nodules on my back, shoulders, and even arms! No wonder I always have these body aches. I feel rejuvinated. Thanks to Balinese massage and 1 hr facial, I feel so good. Tomorrow is Monday, and I'm super ready to proofread 130 essays again, understand what those kids are trying to convey, and deal with our meticulous supervisors.