the celebrator

Just got home from another birthday celebration, a post birthday celebration that is. It was my celebration with my highschool friends with another birthday celebrator for this month of September. My birthday month is not yet over , feeling like a star lang to have more than one celebration hehe.

One decade of a wonderful friendship....can't believe we're still strong..we've been through a lot. I think most wonderful friendships were formed during highschool. Well for us, it started when were sophomores. Spice Girls was big that time. We all had this love for Spice Girls. Just imagine naming ourselves Scary Spice, Ginger Spice, Sporty Spice, Posh Spice or Baby Spice hehe..Singing Stop Right Now with all the dancing and flirty moves...staying up late just to watch their concerts on TV..most of us wanted to be Posh Spice because of her class and super hot David Beckham and Baby Spice because of her cuteness hehehe..then nobody wanted to be Scary Spice hehehe.but we were 8 that time so the others were just groupies hahaha... that was sooo highschool. I guess that's one of the reasons I love highschool TV drama. Everything is so high school hehehe.

We were not complete. Two were missing in action, my bestfriend Alerie (the sporty spice hehehe), Armie and Eulan (the posh spice heheh). I respect Armie's decision, especially now that she's 4 months pregnant. Well for Eulan, what the f**** happened girl? You and Daisy were just texting the other day and today there was no reponse at all? I just hope you're safe...ALerie..i super miss you. What are you up to? I miss your artworks and just being you..the "deviant you."

We had fun though. It was my birthday indeed as in super hehehe..3 of my favorite Pastas and 5 flavors of pizza..yum, yum. then tea and pistachio sansrival for dessert. Loveeeet! My favorite food! Food, laughter, reminiscing, endless conversation, what else can I ask for? Then there was a revelation. Whoa! Really? How come I can't still see the transformation? Anyway, we'd still understand if you'd want to go back to the "old you."

Too bad we had to go home early. It's Sunday evening of course. They went to my place first before going home so they would know where the hell I'm livin' now. We didn't realize that we are just a few minutes away or rather one jeepney ride away from one another. Too bad we don't see each other much..well except for Daisy who's always been a constant girlfriend to have dinner and coffee with.

Maybe it would take a while again to hang out with all of them. Two of my friends would be leaving soon. Now I'm beginning to hate NAIA. I hate seeing people saying goodbye. Sure i still have other good friends but they're all different from one another.

I'm gonna work on my birthday photos next time.. need to sleep early. Tomorrow will be a busy day. Got a lot of things to do. need to work it out..

rough road.detour.uturn.....yield

I've always been a fan of Youngblood. A friend even tried to write one about me. Whoa. Does my life have an interesting story to tell? When I was in high school I told myself that one day people would read one of my essays...how i wish i could make one interesting essay..

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What I read today was not something new, but I was still moved. Yes, I'm aware of what the contributor wrote, it's just that I can relate to it so much. Reading it felt like I have some allies or something. It's difficult to be in a situation where no one seems to understand what you've been thinking or what you really mean. I don't want to be emotional but I can't help it. So reading that made me feel like I'm not alone. Maybe the intensity just varies but other people of my age maybe also have the same dilemma.

I must say that I've been so blessed and compare to other people I can't ask for more. What I need to do is just enjoy what I have and improve whatever I have. Everything is on my hands if I want to succeed or not. Perhaps this is just a post birthday drama or something. As my friend always tells me, it's just a phase. If it's just a phase, oh my effin' god spare me from this "phase." Why do our childhood dreams always haunt us? It just makes me feel bad. Being the youngest, people were expecting that I'm like this or that. They're totally wrong. All of my childhood dreams are just dreams of an ambitious li'l girl now. I can only think of a few that have transpired, but I didn't get the real thing.

In college, I told myself that I'd pursue the road less traveled. I was full of idealisms. I was going to work for the people, not for capitalits. I was going to travel in different parts of the country, experience different culture, climb the mountains, immerse with different tribes, live with peasant communities, and serve the people. What happened to that person now? What happened to the person who used to be so agitated, that person who didn't care about having dark skin due to overexposure to the sun while marching on the streets or serving the people on the mountains, and that same person who didn't care about the food she ate so long as it was edible? Do I miss that person? Yes, I do sometimes. When I feel so empty I miss being that person. I feel like I'm so shallow now. I'm a different person now. I'm so different now from the people I used to work with during "those" days. Yes, I was so afraid that time not to join the rat race. I was afraid that I would end up missing a lot of things. I just miss that, but it doesn't mean that I wanna be there again. Had I stayed, would I be more content? Or would I be happier? it just sucks that I have a lot of what ifs. Maybe I don't have regrets for not pursuing it. I just hope so. The thing that makes me happy about my decision is that if I didn't take the "detour" I'd still be looking for the right guy. I would still be that person who didn't believe in true love that everything is just about physical attraction. I'm glad that there was "that" turning point in my life (which iss another story to tell). If it hadn't been for that I wouldn't have the oppurtunity to meet him. Getting married with my husband is something I will never regret. I will never regret something that made me happy.

Maybe I should be really busy to pass this phase.I want to avoid contemplating and avoid being envious (aren't we all envious at some point?). I want to free my mind from all the negative thoughts. When I'm busy I don't have time for arguments and I don't have time thinking about my fears especially when it comes to my marriage. I don't want to waste my time checking on other people on those social networking sites. It just makes me feel jealous at some point. So here it goes. There are times that we compare ourselves to other people like our childhood friends, friends from gradeschool to college, to say the least. I told myself before that when I become 20 something most probably I will have a lot of what if's. Why did I say that? Because I was a coward and always a coward. I don't take risks. I am always safe, always average. I grew up with below zero self esteem. I did not believe in myself because I don't think no one did. That made become a negative person maybe. I remember last Friday during our workshop, our British trainer had this version of "dr. quack." I forgot how he called it. Well anyway we just had to tangled our hands and figure out ourselves how to untangle our hands. We were all able to accomplish it. The purpose of that game was to believe in ourselves and believe that nothing is impossible. Then after the game, he told me that he was picking on me because I kept on saying that it was impossible. Yeah, I did. I did say that it was impossible for a lot of times, but the truth is I was thinking that it was possible. I even acted as the leader because I know that it is possible. But why did I keep on telling them that it was impossible? I didn't realize that until now. Thoughts just keep on pouring tonight. I'm such a coward. I should believe in myself. There is another activity I remember. This British guy asked us to work in pairs. Each pair should not have the same height. My partner was 5 or 6 inches taller than I. Then he told the taller members to place their hands high on the wall. We had to reach their hands without tip toeing. Again, I did it. Then he asked the taller members to make it higher, and I did it again. Though I was on pain already I did it. It was a realization that if we push ourselves or work 10 percent harder we can do it. Nothing is really impossible, if we believe. I was moved. Thinking of those activities now make me think, why the hell I'm still feeling this? From these random thoughts again, it's a realization that the only person who can make us feel good about ourselves is us. Nobody can put us down if we let them do that.

I hope I can be more inspired now. In a few years I will become a Mom. I want my children to look up to me. I want them to be so proud of their Mom and most importantly be an inspiration...a true inspiration...It's not easy to do something uninspired. I know that. I don't want them to fail just like I did. Well, it's not yet late. I'm not that old, am I? I want to believe that I'm still young and i've got a long road ahead of me...

sleepless night

I'm not really busy these days but there a lot of things going on. I don't know what to do. I want to do a lot of things. I have quite a few oppurtunities but I don't know which one to take. Now I end up just thinking what to do. I really have to set my priorities but I'm afraid to take risks. I already did actually, but i don't know if I'm on the righ track. WTF!

I'm a super woman wanna be! Time really flies. My birthday month is almost over. After a few days it'll be another year. I'm gonna turn a year older again. Then what? I should be able to accomplish things in three years. I'm giving myself three years to accomplish things, but what about the things I also want to try? I'm not yet busy but thinking of the things I'm gonna do for the next few days feels like my hands are so full already. Well, I love being busy but! Can I?

For some people, my dilemma is so simple. I'm just giving myself a hard time. I remember a new colleague telling me last night that I should not think of keeping two jobs because I have a husband who can support me. Yeah, I think he can, but I'm not used to asking for help so I can pay bills or buy things I need.

When I was still studying, asking for extra allowance was not that easy. I learned the value of saving. When my other siblings would give me extra allowance aside from my regular allowance i would save it so every Christmas I could buy gifts for the whole family. Then when I was not yet working I made sure that the money my sister saved for me (if ever i want to study again) was for meaningful purposes. If I borrowed some, I made sure that I paid my sister back. I cannot imagine myself stuck at home waiting for my allowance. It's just not fullfiling at all.

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What to do when alone during sleepless nights? Things I've been doing for the past few days..

I'm nocturnal again hehe..I'm back to being very active at night.

I sleep at around 5. Spending the whole night in front of my laptop.

• My appetite for watching movies is back. I don't know what happened. For the past few months I was not into watching movies. I just got bored of spending hours watching a movie. It's like "celebrities" overload too. The last time I watched a movie in a theater was a year ago I guess! I don't feel like a loser naman hehe. Now I just watch movies online. I can now watch the movies I missed. Good thing it's back because there are still quite a few good movies to enjoy. finally i got to watch The Joy Luck Club! a must see for every woman!
• My other addiction is blog hopping. I love reading celebrities' blog. I'm a sucker for people who can "really" write but the good thing about their blogs is it's not very stressful heheheh...
• Top celebrity bloggers:

• patty laurel-- her blog is really entertaining..She's so full of enthusiasm...very cheerful
• chico garcia-- i'm a huge fan of The Morning Rush!
• ala paredes-- so independent..fearless thoughts
• zsazsa padilla-- you can see the other side of her. i'm not a fan of her but she writes well hehe
• jim paredes-- musings of a true artist..he's an inspiration!
• bianca-- she used to have many entries but now she rarely posts..(should be deleted na hehe)
• brian gorell-- he's not really a celebrity but he became one because of "gucci gang.." juicy gossips i must say hehehe....visiting his site enables me to check other gossip related sites hehe
• kitty go-- of course who doesn't love gossips about the high society???hehhe
• leah salonga-- reading her posts feels like she's talking to her readers...just imagine how she speaks...with her accent and how fast she speaks hehe

What will I do next? I've been wanting to have a real hobby..i want to be physically active..like play some sports or maybe just do yoga or hit the gym..i wish i could..

just another sleepless night of random thoughts..

cough..cough..

Another sleepless night again. I'm here again just in front of my laptop looking for something to make myself fall asleep..

Back to blogging again, but it's different today. I'm happy again hehehe..so moody.. just hope that things will not happen again. I hate being angry. I don't like myself when I say negative things. wla lang..sna my bitching out days will be not be this often na hehehe..

Sem break is so over. It's another term for this year..but it's okay I will just have my practicum. I'll be busy again, I just hope I'll will survive. I made a promise to myself that I won't cram again..well sana...I wasted a lot of time just thinking that I have a lot of things to do...the truth is..had i done my paper works earlier maybe my grades could've been higher..kulang sa sipag tlga..

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I had my early birthday celebration today. Since my friend Krz's bday is sept 6 we had a lunch date with the "angels" We just had some Vietnamese food. Again, none of us brought a digicam. As usual, another get together without a camera. It was a special day but there was no cam. We didn't use our phones to take pics, we wanted the real thing. sayang...

Tomorrow..or should i say later...i'm gonna celebrate again. I will have dinner with my mother in law..hehehe..when can i celebrate my bday kya with my hubby? so so sad..

wla lang...wlang magwa tlga...

i'm hungry but i'm so lazy..i want to eat something but the thing is i have brushed my teeth. If i eat chocolates or cookies i have to brush my teeth again..just the thought of it makes me tired already..tiisin ko n lng..syang ang toothpaste and bactidol..bactidol is so expnsive n pla. i asked my sister's helper to buy a bottle of bactidol to the nearest drugstore because i felt like i'm gonna lose my voice again. i just gave her a hundred pesos and i was so surprised that the bottle is so tiny and it costs 87 pesos. i was so surprised..sige na nga di na ko kain..chocolates and cookies are too sweet..it might aggravate my tonsilitis..i want to get rid of my phlegm so i could go back to work na..i'll just eat later..