My mind has been so busy trying to process a lot of things that have happened to me recently. Everything happened really fast. I've been avoiding not to feel sad or feel bad about a lot of things because I know myself when it comes to dealing with my emotions. When sadness hits me, it is like a low pressure area developing into a super typhoon- which is called my state of depression. I cannot define how I really feel. For the past months I've been avoiding entertaining negative thoughts and reflecting on how have things have turned out. I think it's really time for me to confront my unresolved issues.

When my husband came here for a short vacation (the economic recession was a blessing in disguise), we were able to spend time together and resolved some past issues. My in-laws have been so excited for their first grandchild. Yes, I got pregnant. It was unplanned and we were not ready yet, but my husband and I were both so excited. I discovered that I was pregnant after my husband left again for the States. I took care of myself well. I was so health conscious. I did not have any problems with weird cravings or vaginal spotting. I just made sure that I always had fresh fruits, fresh apple shake, vegetables, fish, and chicken. I avoided unhealthy food, took vitamins, and didn't miss any medical checkups with my OB. I tried really hard to have a healthy pregnancy. Everything I did was for my baby. Two months past, I experienced stomach cramps and spotting. My sisters hurried to go to my place and rushed me to The Medical City. What I thought was just a simple checkup turned out to be a nightmare. I spent the night there, but only to find out the next morning that I needed to undergo Ditalation and Curettage because there was no heartbeat detected. What made it worse was when one of the Doctors told me that they saw two gestational sacs, so I was capable of carrying twins. It was one of the worst mornings ever. I was not going to lose one child, but two children.

The physical pain that I had to go through was barely unbearable. For two days and one night I was in pain when they were waiting for my cervix to open. When I saw blood and a mass of blood cloth and placenta similar to the size of a bottle, I didn't know what to say. My family and my in laws were there so I avoided their eyes, because I knew that I was about to break down. I tried to be brave, but I am not.

Until now, I haven't moved on. A lot of things have happened for the past months, but I don't consume myself thinking of those people who have been trying to put me down because I'm still grieving. Whenever the red flag is up, I feel really bad.

I don't know if there is anyone who can relate to what I am going through.

Let me share what my three year old niece told me:

Chloe: Tita Winay where are your babies?
Me: (don't know what to say) I don't know Chloe
Chloe: I know...they are in heaven with Papa Jesus...

Isn't she the sweetest? She has asked me that question twice. Maybe she is right, they are now our angels guiding us and making sure that their parents will be okay. It's nearly December, and I was supposed to give birth on that month. They are supposedly our precious Christmas presents. I hope I won't get sadder when this month comes.

I can't believe it's already October. My birthday month is so over. As always, September is a busy month for me. Every year I always make sure that I enjoy my birthday month. I always have different celebrattions. Since I have different sets of friends, I make sure that I get to celebrate with them. Birthday is such a big deal for me. I feel like everything will go right if I celebrate it with a blast. My husband may not always be with me on my birthdays, but I still have reasons to celebrate. I have family who's always been so nice to me, and of course my friends.

For this year, I I had three celebrations. Three days before my birthday, my friends (the Angels) and I had a simple celebration since the three of us were September babies. We celebrated it at home. It was exactly the same celebration that I was hoping to have. It was very relaxed. It was a night full of girl talk, food, and wine. We were planning to dress up to add more drama but got lazy to do so. Food + champagne + wine + scented oil + candles + music + spa party + sumptuous breakfast = great party. It's great to be with friends and do things that we are all good at: eating and bumming around. Hoping to have more birthday parties with them.

September 8, Tuesday. On this day, I didn't tell anyone in the office that it was my birthday since the people who are really close to me have left that office already. Some of my coworkers were asking me why I was wearing a floral dress on a rainy day and I looked like I was attending a party. I was actually reluctant to wear that dress, but I really wanted to wear something girl-ish. I matched my floral dress in pink and black that I bought from Warehouse last July with my pink Promod cardigan. After office I hurried to go to my favorite church. Then went to Jade Palace. It was just a simple dinner with my family, inlaws, and some of my selected friends that I wanted to be with. All of the people I expected came despite the heavy downpour. Thank goodness. I felt so special.

I belong..my pink cardi and the table cloth! :0

My third celebration. The week after my birthday my HS friends came to my house. Again, it was just a simple gathering. It was our instant reunion. The last time we actually had something like that was like three years ago. I was so surprised that they are not heavy drinkers now. Gone are those days when we were drinking until sunrise so long as we still had money to buy booze. I missed them. We had so much to catch up on. I really look forward to having more time with them.